I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
