What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
