i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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