I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
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