Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
