Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
