i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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