She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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