what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
