Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
