alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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