I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
