You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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