First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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