I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
