Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i would one night stand the shit outta him
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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