i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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