Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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