dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
