Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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