My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
