Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Please don't give away my fajitas
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