Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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