I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
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