Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
