I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
why does every cop we meet know your name?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
