dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize