The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
