I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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