dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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