her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
