I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
