Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
