I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
