we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
