its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
