so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
