Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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