1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
