You just made me feel so damn special
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
