my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
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