turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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