How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
