I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
