Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize