why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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