omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
