His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
