mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
