eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
