yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
