i think my tv is drunk
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
