He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
