Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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