I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
